“People who deceive and cheat to the other halves, not awful, angry and insensible people, are not present”.
The American sex therapist Vanessa offers a surprising explanation to why people go for treachery of darling.
Nobody just like that writes to the searcher – inquiry “why people cheat”. Well if it is only not some researcher or the journalist-writer. The person drives in into a search box these terrible three words because he faced the phenomenon which is one of the most painful on a stress scale – with deception of darling, with treachery of the closest, the one to whom believed with whom connected the future.
And the first that wants to be made, is to understand: for what, why what is with me not so? Or it with it something wrong? What?
“For me treason of my first boyfriend was more destructive, than everything that I endured in the life. – one girl in social networks told. – I was sure that our love is forever. Therefore, when once saw how my darling kisses the fellow worker, did not find anything better, than to cry shocked: “What happens here?” Then I tried to return within two weeks our relations to the habitual course, it seemed to me that it was just misunderstanding, I did not want to trust in it. However, the truth was cruel: it really cheated on me with the girl who besides wears absolutely ugly sweaters.
At first, I considered him the worst person on the earth, the traitor to whom the place only in hell. Then considered that it I am guilty of everything and that somewhere made a mistake that, probably, I needed to be more ordinary, and other …”
– In society the black-and-white view of incorrectness is really accepted. – the sex therapist Vanessa speaks. – But it is important to understand that in this subject there are many shades of gray. Pain from treason is clear. But you should not generalize it in general.
People who deceive and cheat to their spouses, not awful, angry and insensible people, no.
There is a huge number of people simply remarkable in every respect, but they are apostates. I do not acquit them now; I try to replace a sight foreshortening with this phenomenon. Many people in the world do bad things. Some of them use internet to cheat, they go to live adult chat rooms and seek partner who are ready to have virtual sex for money. But it does not make them by bad people. For example, I had a client – Gloria, she is 29 years old. She changed the partner more than once. However, it did not allow their relations to be interrupted. She tried to leave it several times, but he continued to say to her that they have to be together because for it she is the best and he will not be able to fall in love with anybody more. She felt in a trap and continued to be with it, but dared to meet other men sometimes.
Of course, happens that in couple one of partners receives less something in the sexual plan and goes on the left to satisfy the requirements. I work with such couples too. But it is not the most frequent option.
We are inclined to think that people deceive because they are unhappy in the relations. It can be the truth for someone. But the reality is more complex.
You do not imagine how it is frequent in absolutely happy relations where all requirements are quite satisfied, people also deceive the partners.
And they do not look for something what is not enough for them in marriage. They have quite enough of everything. Just the apostate in this case deals with problems in the relations with himself. In it there is a mismatch, feeling of being lost, feeling that in soul any important piece, a puzzle from their personality is not enough. And therefore, they look for a way to fill this internal gap, to patch this hole, or through the relations with another person to understand itself, to help itself to realize that happens in it. It has to his partner absolutely no relation.
It about search of, about accommodation of the personal psychological processes. Many of them just go to flirtation and the concerning psychological game, without being going to cheat and make love. If something also happens, then without evil intention and preliminary planning. It, of course, does not mean that there should not be consequences. Treason is not only violation of trust, but also treachery of the general values.
Irrespective of, the partner learns about treason or not (many partners, by the way, according to polls, would even prefer not to know about casual communications of the partner in life), it does not matter.
But if you undertook the obligation to be in the relations and at least once violated it, then it is necessary to reconcile to some feeling of burning discomfort which surely settles in soul after the incident.
As for the one who was deceived. You see, it does not mean that there is with you something not so. Though treason often means sex, it seldom concerns sex per se. It is also important to understand that the incorrectness is not condemnation or charge against the person to whom cheat. It not because deceived – bad, either unattractive, or not sexual. It about internal processes of that which cheated.
And an important point – treason devastates not only the one to whom cheated, but also the apostate.
To both that, and another it is complex after a gap to someone again to trust, again to resolve itself to build the new relations. Unconsciously the person begins to expect a dirty trick. Therefore, well to go for therapy, not very well, the apostate you or the one to whom cheated, to live the feelings in a safe situation and unconditional support denies the incident, to see and accept other parts of the personality which are capable to destroy the relations. It is necessary to spend time for really to analyze all those feelings and reactions which at you arose. And the apostate needs also to recognize that treason does not do of you categorically awful person. You the good person who made a bad thing. It is a huge difference.
Treason quite often gives the chance to learn an important lesson about itself and to change internally to the best, to become more mature and integral personality. Also, it is necessary to do a lot of work again to learn to trust. Not only to other people, but first of all.